It can be hard to admit to abusive behaviour. But by accepting this behaviour is wrong, you’re taking responsibility and choosing to change. This in turn makes our whole society better, not just for women and girls, but men and boys too.
Try to put yourself in their place
- Always treat everyone as your equal, not as people to be controlled or treated as if their feelings don’t matter.
- Accept that everyone doesn’t appreciate acts you might not recognise as wrong, for example making sexually explicit comments towards them in the street or in the pub. It can cause embarrassment, or at worst, it can be intimidating or frightening.
- Give everyone space on the street, or on a train or bus. Some men and women can be often on constant alert in public spaces, so this can help them feel safer.
- Don’t assume that you’re entitled to sex – you’re not. Having sex without consent is sexual assault or rape. Consent can only be given with a clear and enthusiastic ‘yes’. Anything else – including silence – is a ‘no’ that must be respected.
- Don’t think porn is how sex should be. Just as films are not real life, porn is not real sex. It often shows damaging behaviour towards women, without mutual consent or communication.
Look at the people you have around you
Would you say that your mates or family are a bad influence? Don’t get drawn into abusive behaviour, just to be ‘one of the boys/girls’.
It can feel difficult to go against the crowd, but it’s the right thing to do. In many situations you won’t be the only one thinking something’s wrong – but it takes one person to take the lead and speak up. Be that person.
Do you have kids?
Bring them up to be respectful of both men and women and see them as equal in society.
As a parent, you’re a role model. Your behaviour and attitudes shape who they become. If you have children, teach them to respect one another, stand up against harmful behaviour, assert personal boundaries and explain the importance of consent. You can do your bit to help them grow up in a better world.
Further support:
The Domestic Abuse Perpetrator Service – Breaking the Cycle of Abuse
– Caring Dads: Breaking the Cycle of Abuse
ADAPT – a community based behavioural change programme across Hampshire, Southampton and the Isle of Wight.
Circles UK – support for sex offenders in the community.
Up2U – free a free service that’s available to anyone that lives in Portsmouth, Fareham, Gosport or Havant, who is over 16 years old and recognises that they use domestically abusive or unhealthy behaviours in their relationships.