Supporting someone who has experienced rape, or another form of sexual violence or abuse can feel hard. But by simply being there and listening to them you’re already helping.
It’s not always easy to know what to say when someone tells you they’ve been sexually assaulted, especially if they are a friend or family member. For a survivor or victim, disclosing to someone they care about can be very difficult, or upsetting for you to hear. It is important to show that you are listening, you should try not to interrupt, even though you might have a lot of questions. Try to be as supportive and non-judgmental as possible.
How to be an ally to a loved one is an additional guide to help you to support someone close to you.
Avoiding the person because you are afraid you might say the wrong thing may be tempting, or pretending it hasn’t happened to them, for many survivors or victims, this can be the worst thing you can do.
There are some specific phrases, or things to say to be supportive:
“I believe you/it took a lot of courage to tell me about this.”
People rarely lie about sexual violence and abuse, there is little to gain from lying about it and being a survivor or victim can be one of the most difficult things that they ever have to cope with. You might wish that what they were telling you wasn’t true, but it’s important to make it clear that you believe them. For many people, not being believed can feel like a huge betrayal and might stop them from telling anyone else or trying to get help.
It can be extremely difficult for survivors to come forward and share their experience. They may feel ashamed, concerned that they won’t be believed, or worried they’ll be blamed. Leave any “why” questions or investigations to the experts—your job is to support this person. Be careful not to interpret calmness as a sign that the event did not occur—everyone responds to traumatic events differently. The best thing you can do is to believe them.
“It’s not your fault/you didn’t do anything to deserve this.”
100% of the blame, shame and responsibility for sexual violence and abuse lies with the perpetrator or perpetrators. And victims and survivors should never be blamed or made to feel guilty for what happened to them.
Many people will already be struggling with feelings of shame, guilt and self-blame – so it’s important to let them know that they don’t need to feel this way.
Survivors or victims may blame themselves, especially if they know the perpetrator personally. Remind the survivor or victim, maybe even more than once, that they are not to blame.
“You are not alone/I care about you and am here to listen or help in any way I can.”
Let the survivor or victim know that you are there for them and willing to listen to their story if they are comfortable sharing it. Assess if there are people in their life that they feel comfortable going to and remind them that there are service providers who will be able to support them as they begin the healing process from the experience.
“I’m sorry this happened/this shouldn’t have happened to you.”
It can be very hard for victims and survivors to talk about what happened to them. For lots of people, having to go back over an experience of sexual violence or abuse is upsetting and painful – which is one of the reasons why it takes some people a long time to tell anyone. Some victims and survivors also feel ashamed or guilty. Or worry that they’ll be judged, blamed or not believed.
Acknowledge that the experience has affected their life. Phrases like “This must be really tough for you,” and “I’m so glad you are sharing this with me,” help to communicate empathy.
If someone has managed to talk about their experience, let them know you understand how hard it might have been for them.
They need to feel in control, sexual violence or abuse of any kind can make a person feel powerless or like they’ve lost control. So, for many victims and survivors, it’s important to feel in charge of their own lives again.
If you hear that someone you care about has been hurt, it can be tempting to try to take charge and ‘fix’ it. But it’s important to not ‘take over’ or make decisions for the other person unless they ask you too. Instead, support them to:
- Explore their options.
- Make their own decisions.
- Work through their feelings.
Learn about some of the common myths surrounding sexual violence and abuse.
Ongoing Support
Avoid sharing your own experiences with sexual violence as this can minimise a person’s experience. It is important to remember that their experience is theirs and cannot be compared with other people.
Allow the survivor or victim to decide how they will manage the next steps in their healing process. Some people want to report it to the police, but others don’t want to report to anyone. It is important to let the survivor or victim decide how to proceed. If they ask for your advice, remind them it is their decision and try to remain neutral.
There’s no timetable when it comes to recovering from sexual violence. If someone trusted you enough to disclose the event to you, consider the following ways to show your continued support:
- Check in periodically. The event may have happened a long time ago, but that doesn’t mean the pain is gone. Check in with them to remind them you still care about their well-being and believe their story.
- Know your resources. You’re a strong supporter, but that doesn’t mean you’re equipped to manage someone else’s health.
Of course, every victim and survivor are different, and not everyone will want or need the same things
The most important thing you can do for a victim or survivor is to listen to them and believe what they are saying. And then let them tell you what they need.
Remember:
Don’t share. The person that experienced harm has a right to privacy and should be able to trust that you will not share details of what happened to them with friends or peers. You should only share this person’s experience if you are concerned for their immediate safety.
Avoid judgment. It can be difficult to watch a survivor or victim struggle with the effects of sexual assault for an extended period of time. Avoid phrases that suggest they’re taking too long to recover such as, “You’ve been acting like this for a while now,” or “How much longer will you feel this way?”
Respect their decisions
There’s no right or wrong way to be or to feel after sexual violence or abuse – and only a victim or survivor can really know what’s best for them. Therefore, try not to ignore or judge their decisions, even if they’re not the ones you think you’d make. Otherwise, you could end up losing their trust or upsetting them even more.
Respect their boundaries and be patient
Many victims and survivors find it difficult to trust people because of their experiences – especially if they’ve been let down or not believed by others they’ve told in the past. So, if someone’s put their trust in you by telling you what happened to them, it’s important not to betray that trust. Be patient and try not to push them to tell you more – or to do anything else – before they’re ready.
There’s no timeline for ‘getting over’ sexual violence or abuse. And there’s no ‘to-do’ list that needs to be checked off. No one should be pressured into doing something before they are ready.
If it’s your partner who’s experienced sexual violence or abuse – either recently or in the past – they might find intimacy and sexual contact difficult. Sometimes, they might not want you to touch them or be close to them. Other times, they might want extra physical comfort from you. Try to not take this personally or get upset – it’s not about you but about what happened to them.
Don’t ask them why they didn’t say anything sooner
There are lots of reasons why victims and survivors might not tell anyone what happened to them straight away – or even soon after. For example, they might:
- Have tried to tell someone about it before and been ignored or not believed.
- Have been threatened by the perpetrator – or fear them finding out.
- Be scared or worried about other people finding out.
- Feel ashamed or guilty.
- Be worried that they’ll be judged, blamed or not believed.
- Be worried about the impact it could have on their relationships with family, friends or colleagues.
- Want to pretend it didn’t happen or have ‘blocked’ it out.
Don’t judge them for anything they did before the sexual violence or abuse
There is never any excuse for rape or any other form of sexual violence or abuse. 100% of the blame, shame and responsibility always lies with the perpetrator or perpetrators. And all victims and survivors deserve support.
It doesn’t matter what someone was doing before it happened or during – whether they were drinking, had taken drugs, were wearing certain clothes, were out late at night, were flirting with the perpetrator or anything else. It has nothing to do with what happened to them.
Don’t ask them why they didn’t try to run away or fight back
It’s very common for people who experience rape or another form of sexual violence or abuse to find that that they cannot move or speak. This is one of the bodies’ automatic responses to fear and does in no way mean that they consented to what was happening – or are in any way to blame.
Some perpetrators also use manipulation, threats or other tactics to control their victims. Or to scare them into being quiet and doing what they tell them to do. Always remember: if the victim or survivor didn’t consent then it was sexual violence or abuse.
Don’t judge them for how they’ve responded to the sexual violence or abuse
There’s no ‘right’ way to react to being raped or experiencing another form of sexual violence or abuse. Everyone responds differently and all responses are completely valid.
It is important to be accepting of the way they are reacting, even if it’s not how you think you would respond if you were in their shoes. Or how you might have seen in films or on TV.
Caring for yourself: supporting a victim or survivor can be really hard and you might find it impacts your life and wellbeing too. Remember that it’s okay to take time and space for yourself sometimes.